Dear Agent Border,
I need to thank you for the care you have shown to Jenny. She is like a daughter to me. I’ve seen a number of girls come and go through the years, but somehow Jenny became much more to me.
Also, I wanted to write you a letter from my heart. I felt compelled to talk to you about my life’s journey. I sense that it may be coming to an end soon and I feel an urgency to reach those hurting and searching inside the way I was.
When you look at me Miss Carrie, you may see a fat old woman with no trace of her former beauty remaining. It is true that I was once a ravishing beauty, and I knew it. I flaunted it and used it to manipulate men.
Someone once quoted me a scripture out of the bible that ‘pride goes before destruction and a haughty spirit before a fall’. I think that scripture is Proverbs 16:18. I only laughed at them. I thought them to be a crazy religious fanatic.
I might have been beautiful on the outside, but my soul was raw on the inside. I felt shame and guilt from the things I had done and the choices I had made. There was nothing I could do on the outside that would take away the feeling of being dirty on the inside. I felt like a worthless human being and others treated me that way as well.
I was convinced I had no redeeming qualities and was worthless. The hole in my soul would not go away and begged to be filled, but no matter what I tried to fill it with, it wouldn’t go away. In fact it only grew larger the more I tried to fix it.
One day, when I was at my lowest point, I was going to take my own life. I was black and blue from a beating my pimp had given me because I had said the wrong thing. I was so high on drugs and alcohol that I was almost out of my mind. I remember laying in bed for an entire day crying, begging God to let me die. When He wouldn’t, I decided to take matters into my own hands and end it all.
I stumbled to the cabinet looking for something to take my life. I thought there was a gun in the cabinet that I had been holding for a friend. As I dug around looking for it, I found my mothers old bible. I don’t know why, but when I saw it, a surge of hope shot through me.
I took the bible and sat in my old recliner and began to read. I had never been able to read it before. I felt so much guilt and condemnation and the words just seemed to jumble up. But this time it was as if I were led to read about God’s love for me. I flipped from one scripture to another and it assured me over and over again that it didn’t matter what I had done, I was loved.
I remember reading the part that talks about all of Jesus’ ancestors and in there among all the men, was a woman Rahab. She was a prostitute, just like me! Whoever wrote the bible had been inspired by God to make sure that she was listed so that we would know she was important.
I particularly loved the story in John chapter 8 where Jesus was in the city and the men took a woman who they had caught in adultery and put her there in the middle of the crowd in front of Jesus and told Him that the law says she should be stoned, what does He say they do with her.
The curious thing was that they called Him teacher or rabbi, but what He taught them that day was love and compassion, not more religious rules. He said nothing, merely stooped down and began to write in the sand. it is not recorded what He wrote, but while He wrote, the men left, one by one.
When they had all gone, Jesus stood and asked the woman where her accusers were? She replied that no one was there to accuse her. Then Jesus said, neither do I.
At that point Miss Carrie, my heart broke in two and I cried harder than I had ever cried. It was a good cry. It felt like the years of junk and grime that had darkened my soul was being washed out and cleansed. When I stopped crying, I felt free. I felt clean. I knew I was loved by God, by Jesus. I just knew it on the inside.
My life changed that day Miss Carrie. I have continued to read my bible and learn more and more every day just how loved and accepted that I am. Jesus filled that hole in my soul.
I only started going back to church awhile back. It is true that God loves and accepts me but it took me awhile to find a church who loves like He does. But now that I found it, they love me that way too.
My life changed a lot that day, but not because I worked hard to change it. I had tried all that. I was caught in a constant turmoil tying to stop doing the drugs, stop drinking, stop the life of walking the street. No matter how hard I tried, it all just got worse.
When I started reading the bible and just talking to Jesus each day, my life just changed. My desires just changed and because I no longer desired those things, I just didn't do them any more. Now I did have some challenges. I had to get the courage to pull myself out of that life. But God gave me the courage when I needed it.
You may wonder why I am writing this letter to you. Well, I see the same pain in you that I carried inside myself for so long. I know you aren’t a prostitute, but we all sin and do things that make us feel dirty inside. And the sad part is that it is so easy to feel free and clean.
The moment I cried out to Jesus, it all came washing out. I didn’t have to say a certain thing. I didn’t have to go to a certain church. I didn’t have to tell a certain man and confess my sins. I just cried out to Jesus and that was all. He made it that easy because He doesn’t want there to be anything stopping us from coming to Him.
Miss Carrie you can be free from all the pain you are carrying deep inside of you. Just talk to Him like I am talking to you now. Just tell Him you hurt. He won’t ask anything of you. He just wants you to let Him love you! He is crying out for you to let Him love you. That is all.
This world had made religion hard, but Jesus came to destroy religion. He loved everyone and treated everyone with love and respect, but He said vile things to the religious leaders of the day. He knew that they put hardships on the people that kept them from Him and His love.
Whatever price our sin required, Jesus paid it all. He paid it for our past and for our future when we are sure to fail again. He doesn’t care, the price is all paid. He doesn’t expect perfection. He just wants us to be close to Him. He wants a relationship with us. But all those feelings of shame and guilt keep us from coming to Him.
It isn’t Him that is saying we are guilty or shameful. It is the enemy. The devil. It says in the bible that he is the accuser of the brethren. I think one scripture for that is Revelation 12:10. Jesus never accuses us.
Miss Carrie just let Jesus love you. He wants to free you from all the pain. He wants to heal your broken heart and your wounds. Just cry out to Him and give it all to Him. You’ll see. He’s right there and you will feel Him loving you.
Please take care of Jenny. I don’t know if I will ever get to see her again on this side of heaven, but you will, I am sure of it. She and I have talked about Jesus. She prays and understands, but she still doesn’t trust Him all the way. Sometimes it takes time. Help her Miss Carrie.
You and Jenny, learn to trust Jesus together.